From the desk of President Talia Kolker Thursday, Nov 5 2009

“When property investors in Taliatopia complain that the economic downturn is costing them their livelihoods, Talia Kolker offers grants to the property developers to convert the buildings into shelters for the homeless and donate the converted buildings to charities.”

We are pleased to announce that the first of many homeless shelters are opening this weekend!

“A seven week stand off with Butterburnia ended today after Frank Butterbur ate his last Spam on Twinkie sandwich and rescinded his claims of independence from Taliatopia.”

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Butterbur back into Taliatopian citizenship. We have at length determined that Butterbur is neither armed nor dangerous, despite his temporary claim to the contrary.

 

 

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From the desk of President Talia Kolker Thursday, Nov 5 2009

“Mr. I. Smitle was released from his position on Talia Kolker’s advisory board today, when he was discovered sleeping with a government intern in the broom closet of the capital!”

We do not tolerate the severe misconduct displayed by Smitle; he has been summarily dismissed.

“When bricklayers took to throwing bricks at citizens in a revolt against low wages, the government simply halted the production of clay until the rioters ran out of bricks and were forced to go home.”

We cannot allow ourselves to be manipulated with violence and threats of violence; nor do I as President believe in striking back. The Taliatopian government believes that the best way to prevent violence is to go directly to the source. In this case, the short-term application of this principle is to remove the weapons stockpile; the long-term application is to host an investigation into the bricklayers’ complaints. We appreciate the bricklayers’ deeply-felt wish for better pay and benefits, and would be happy to address them, were they to present their case in a sane and healthy way.

“When many immigrants come to Taliatopia from a neighboring country, Talia Kolker tells schools to create classes taught in their native language rather than forcing the children to learn Taliatopia’s national language!”

While shorthand is the official national language of Taliatopia, we do not wish to give the impression that shorthand is, or should be, the only language spoken here. People of all races, cultures, and tongues are as welcome in Taliatopia as natural-born citizens. We believe that coercion discourages, rather than encourages, children to learn foreign languages, and that when integrated at a more natural pace, they can adapt more holistically.

 

 

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From the desk of President Talia Kolker Thursday, Nov 5 2009

“Talia Kolker institutes the ‘National Weather Warning Service’ to help notify citizens of changes in weather conditions and to warn the nation when severe weather may strike. To date, they have been almost 40 percent accurate!”

We have appointed several skilled technicians to work on correcting the bugs in the system as quickly as possible. As for the meteorologists, each one is extremely qualified and very talented at what they do.

“When Talia Kolker learns that on the whole, the citizens of Taliatopia struggle with dental hygiene, educational programs were immediately set up to teach children how to properly brush their teeth!”

Nothing is more important than the well-being of as many people as possible. We believe that the best way to ensure a much higher rate of healthy adults is to instill good health habits in children at a young age.

“Taliatopia announces the creation of a national football team today!”

The creation of a national football team will contribute not only to Taliatopia’s commerce and entertainment, but also to school athletics departments.

“Cell phone users in Taliatopia can talk as much as they wish as the government has piled money into research which provides devices that are 100% safe.”

We are pleased to announce that all toxic  cell phones have been recalled and removed from the market; we are in the process of neutralizing their harmful ingredients so they may be safely recycled. Rest assured that all new cell phones and personal communication devices on the market are certified toxin-free.

“Marijuana has been legalized in Taliatopia, but the sales tax has insured that only the rich can afford this luxury.”

We are in the process of adjusting the sales tax on marijuana to reflect appropriately on our economic situation. Please be informed that marijuana is legal and available to everyone over the counter.

“Talia Kolker has replaced all the nation’s medical administration staff with government officials to ensure the quality of care for patients.”

Unfortunately, we have uncovered a large amount of corruption running rampant through the medical administration staff across the nation. With a standard of administration across the board, we will be able to eliminate much red tape, paperwork, and vast hidden opportunity for money laundering, due to a new administration of transparency.

“Following complaints by a small religious group, restaurants in Taliatopia now contain a ‘meat-eater’ and a ‘non-meat-eater’ section. The only way to get a reservation in the more exclusive restaurants in Taliatopia is to order a salad as a main course, and pay the same price as you would for a steak!”

This change in restaurant etiquette will benefit not only a “small religious group,” but everyone who has ethical objections to eating meat that cause them to bodily react when faced with animals being eaten. The price of restaurant meals will continue to reflect the individuality of their ingredients and preparation, and any person may choose to sit anywhere in any restaurant, regardless of their personal eating habits.

“When crops in Taliatopia were being eaten by the Baderdid bug, Talia Kolker invested government funding to research alternative methods of deterring the pests, finding that if farmers will simply pee directly on their crops, the bugs will not approach them!”

Would you?

“Unified Postal Service, one of the nation’s largest delivery companies, announced today that their official colors will be changed from brown and gold to pastel pink and orange! Talia Kolker forced the company to change the colors when a suspected terrorist group stole over 1,000 delivery driver uniforms!”

Effective immediately. Please do not open your door to a postal worker wearing the previous uniform of brown and gold. Do not panic. Keep out of visibility range, away from windows. Call 9-1-1 immediately, and wait for help to arrive.

“Talia Kolker opens ten new parks in Taliatopia today which will ensure safe facilities for the nation’s children!”

We invite you all to enjoy our new parks year round! Please help us keep our parks clean and safe.

“When citizens in Taliatopia complain about the slow speed limits, Talia Kolker says that safety is always a priority, and that the government backs the current speed limit regulations!”

We believe that if citizens are frustrated with the regulated speed limit, it is usually because they are used to abusing it. Please be informed that the current speed limits have been set in place and are enforced for the safety of everyone.

“Taliatopia opens its doors to international investigation of potential ancient artifacts which would find Taliatopia as the first advanced civilization.”

Regardless of the results of the digs, whether Taliatopia is proven to be the first advanced civilization or not, we believe the most important thing to gain from this unique opportunity is the knowledge that comes from seeking new information.

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From the desk of President Talia Kolker Sunday, May 31 2009

“Taliatopia is still reeling over the great coffee riots of 2008 that left 106 dead and were punctuated by the brutal murder of a sixteen-year-old barista named Clifton.”

As President of this Democratic State, I am shocked at and ashamed of these incidents. Deprivation of a major coffee chain for one day does not constitute a crisis; it does not demand violent action. I feel that this is an appropriate time to begin taking immediate action to help decrease Taliatopian dependency on coffee and other high sources of caffeine. We have several projects in the works already, including workshops and twelve-step programs, enforced gradually-decreasing caffeine rates in coffee and other substances, free health and exercise classes, and non-addictive medication and other tools to help people break their caffeine addictions. My personal condolences go out to Clifton’s family and friends. Our prayers are with you in this troubling time.

“Slavery has been publicly condemned, and an edict for the release of any persons considering themselves slaves has been released.”

This edict is meant to include slavery of many forms, including child marriage. Consider yourselves freed.

“When the government finds radioactive materials in a local marble quarry, Talia Kolker insists that the material is removed and safely disposed of!”

The safety of Taliatopians and our friends around the world is invaluable and cannot be compromised by a selfish grab at nuclear weapons. We refuse to be swayed by the false lure of power such weapons boast.

“The government decides that developing new communication devices is too expensive and the production facilities for such an item are too hard on the environment.”

We will continue to look into new and better forms of cross-country communication. We believe there is a much more cost-effective and environmentally friendly answer to be found.

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From the desk of President Talia Kolker Sunday, May 31 2009

“Talia Kolker drives a local manufacturing plant to close when they start a class-action lawsuit against the company for leaking chemicals into a small town’s water supply.” 

We believe that the health, safety and general well-being of our citizens and friends around the world are far more important than the success or failure of any individual business. We will not allow big business to trample on the rights of homeowners by poisoning their environment. At the same time, we realize that a large percentage of people in this town are financially affected by this occurrence. In order to protect the townspeople, we are taking immediate action to open temporary emergency food and clothing banks, as well as taking direct action to help people locate comparable new jobs. We are positive that this change will be for the better in every respect. 

“Although bullfighting has been a celebrated pastime in Taliatopia since its founding, Talia Kolker has declared the sport as ‘inhumane’ and has banned it throughout the country!”

We firmly believe that the personal “pleasure” of a people or an individual is no excuse to allow the needless suffering of another creature, whether animal or fellow human being. Indeed, any “pleasure” derived from such cruelty and inhumanity is no virtue, but a vice.

“When marching in the National Pride Parade today, a national police officer was shot and killed when a sniper tried to assassinate Talia Kolker!”

The death of national police officer Kanya Kuhn is deeply regretted. We salute you, Ms. Kuhn, for your passion for justice. You will be greatly missed.

“When hunters arrived for the opening of hunting season, Talia Kolker was there to greet them and to notify them that hunting has been outlawed in Taliatopia and that they were all under arrest!”

We would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight: No one has been arrested for attempting to hunt. The prospective hunters have all been given warnings, and security guards have been placed strategically to monitor the forests and fields. However, anyone caught hunting in future will be subject to arrest.

“When some of Talia Kolker’s advisers retire from their positions, the most qualified citizens are sought out and appointed to fill the newly vacant posts!”

We are pleased to announce the appointment of three new advisers to President Talia Kolker: Ms. Anne Viccolo, Ms. Jane Ackroyd, and Mr. Xavier Thatcher.

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